“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory”
The memory is like a bruise to me. I used to wake up in the morning stiff and sore, thinking about my loss. When my mind wanders it’s drawn to the bruise, to you. Thinking about you is like poking at the bruise, it’ll make it worse, make it grow and darken. It’s like a stain on my body, a permanent mark on my character that I can’t get rid of. And sometimes events occur that force you to prod at it, to dwell on it and that makes it worse, for a time. But then then it begins to recede. You can use all the makeup you want, wear all the sleeves you want, but you always know it’s there. You cannot escape it, it smothers me it consumes me uncontrollably. At times I feel helpless, weak letting my mind crash into my mommy memories.
When she passed away, every day after that for a while I was lost. For a time, sleep was my escape and dreams were my sanctuary. I would lay there in blissful ignorance dreaming of you. It was only when I would awoke that they would become nightmares just reminding me that you’re gone. I loved the nights I could actually fall asleep. I loved when I couldn’t recall my dreams but at the same time I hated waking up. I would slowly drift out of sleep trying my best, fighting as hard as I could to actually stay asleep. It was like trying to hold on to sand. Gripping, clinching, hoping that it would stay in but slowly the sand creeps and pours out. By the end there is nothing left of substance and at that moment you’re forced to just let go. Before I even opened my eyes the pain, hurt, the freaking awareness hits me like a train. Although most of my dreams were dark and empty, I loved being there. I loved being at peace unaware that my momma was gone. Whenever I would wake up it was like I was being reborn with a sense that I’ve lost everything. As they opened, my eyes felt as if they had never seen before; like it was my first sight ever. Every morning I felt my eyes searching for one thing: your face. They did not want to see anything else. When I opened my eyes I would imagine a picture in my mind. A picture of you, rocking me when I was a baby singing “you are my sunshine.” Oh how I miss that sweet lullaby you used to sing to us. I miss your messy hair and that outfit you would wear for two days straight. I miss your scarfs, the ones that never matched anything. I miss that bright yellow holey roadrunner shirt you always wore. Your glasses, oh ma your glasses had been through hell and back. I miss you so much that it brings me to my knees. It’s the little ridiculous things we made fun of you for are the things I miss the most. And now I’m here wishing I could see those things with my own eyes again.
Nobody knew after your sixth time in the hospital would be your last. My siblings never realized how sick you really were. In my mind, I’d never thought you would lose the fight. I had so much faith that you would win. Never in my mind had I thought of losing you, I did not think ahead. I should of but honestly I didn’t want to. At the time as a little girl that was a weakness; now it’s a strength. I learned from you to just love even if they treated me differently. Because of you I will love everyone in my life like it’s the last love to give. Doesn’t matter who it was I will love everyone to the fullest because you never know when your ride ends.
“We underrate love. When we feel important we do not appreciate love. Even in happiness and sorrow we overlook love. Only with time we realize the true value of love. Why wait and not cherish love every day of your life?”
I love you Ma!
-Journal Entry 4/30/16
olivia dyan 